How To Manage Changes

I have made some changes. One has been to  increase my posting, y pues it is a challenge. I sit down to write and stare at my computer, I look at my phone… Oh! I gotta answer that text immediately. Hmmm…. I wonder what I can make for dinner? I am struggling. I don’t know if there’s a method, una llave? A special technique or touch that will open up the words, phrases and prose vault, where de repente, I’m flowing in writing fluency and writing good stuff regularly, like more than once a week. It’s coming, I know it, inspiration is around the corner.

 Mientras llega, I’ll share an essay (a rough draft, very rough) that I enjoyed rereading without my homeschooling teacher glasses on. No creas, I reread it and wanted to make all the corrections needed, but I remembered homeschooling days are finished! The essay was written by my 14 year old Benjamin Emery Greene, he was most likely in a hurry to get the assignment done.  Almost exactly 11 years ago, he was a very new brother in law. His older brother Jonathan and sister Daniella had just gotten married 2 months prior and he  was pondering on the big changes in our familia. It is always interesting to me the different perspectives people have, especially through the lens of children with life changing events.

Before the Weddings, After the Weddings

by Emery (age 14)

It was a week before the weddings and the house was crazy. We had guests living in our house until the weddings were over and we had my uncle staying in a trailer in our backyard. I suppose I would have been sad that my two siblings were getting married and leaving but there was no room in our house for that yet. The pantries were overflowing with pasta and our living room and backroom had wedding decorations all over. The fridge was filled with oranges and the closets had plastic plates and cups. With all the frenzy it was actually pretty fun. I liked the busyness, but then it came to a stop. After the two weddings were over, the guests slowly started to leave and the busyness vanished. Pretty soon it was down to just four; me, my little brother, my mom and my dad, but change can change you and that could be a good thing.

The weddings were beautiful. First came Jonathan’s. I especially liked his because I was a groomsman along with two of my cousins, Meno and Gerardo. I was super excited because I had never been a groomsman before and I really didn’t expect it. It was very exhilarating for me being able to sit at the big table and being served first. First we had to get ready at the house. It was actually really awkward at first because the photographers kept taking pictures of random things, like me buttoning up my shirt and putting my shoes on. But I had a lot of fun. Then when I was walking up the aisle and standing up I kept moving around because I had just heard that if you stand straight for too long you might pass out. I really didn’t want to pass out so I was really careful. Anyways it was a lot of fun. 

In Danielle’s wedding I wasn’t able to be a groomsman but I did walk down the aisle with her holding up her train with my little brother Thomas. In Danielle’s I didn’t have as much fun but it was still a nice wedding. Danielle’s was sadder to me though because she is my sister. It was especially sad when my Dad sang her a song. I think practically everyone cried. It was very sweet. Jonathan and I actually did our own song for her too. It was fun. The food was actually really good at both weddings and everyone had a good time. 

Before the weddings life was pretty different. I would say Jonathan was over more but that part hasn’t really changed. The only part that’s really different with Joanthan is that he doesn’t spend the night and he and Denise always kiss. When Jonathan first got married I thought he would never hang out with us anymore and he wouldn’t take me places but I can see now that I was wrong. I don’t go with them on dates anymore because they don’t need me. Three weeks after they were married I went to McDonalds with them. McDonalds isn’t the best place to go but it was still cool. I hung out with them almost all day because of the church outreach. It’s when our church goes around handing out flyers and stuff for church. Jonathan also came over a LOT, mainly to see his new dog, Oso. The day they got married they got a nice husky as their wedding gift. He has to stay at our house because their apartments don’t allow dogs. He’s very handsome. Denise also works close so when he gets off early he waits at our house to pick her up. As far as Danielle and Marcus, we only see them at church and sometimes a fellowship. They don’t come over much but she is really happy with him. It’s kind of funny to see the differences between Danielle and Marcus (compared) to Jonathan and Denise. Jonathan and Denise always kiss and hug but Danielle and Marcus, I don’t think I’ve seen them kiss other than on their wedding day.

Now that Danielle and Jonathan are married and have their own spouses, our life at home is a little different. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get my sister’s room but I guess I’m fine with mine. It actually feels really nice being the oldest kid in my house now but my favorite part of all is that we have more food and snacks. I guess you could call this whole experience a “journey” to help us grow and adjust. The hard part for me is the quietness. Our house is a lot quieter and less busy now that they’re gone. My schedule is also a lot freer now that I don’t have chaperone duties.  Chaperoning was fun mostly with Denise and Jonathan because they actually went out and got food and did stuff. They also included me in their conversations and laughed when I was funny. With Danielle they just went to some mountain or park and talked. They were also a good ride source for all the fellowships (church youth gatherings) and hangouts but now I need to find a new ride source. I really do miss the old times our family had; however there are benefits to our new family lifestyle also.

I have to say I didn’t mourn too much after the weddings but I definitely was sad. I am really happy for my two older siblings and their spouses and hope they have  good lives together. I hope they don’t leave their two little brothers and family out of their equation now that they’re married but remember all the times we helped and chaperoned them. Hopefully this experience has helped me grow and mature. Sometimes I don’t like the changes but as I said before. Change can change you, and that can be a good thing!

En Conclusíon:

I let the “writing bloopers” pass, it reminded me of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books without the cartoons. As I read Emery’s essay I was pulled back into those emotionally difficult days, y hasta ahora, I realized that the whole family was experiencing major changes. My Cold blooded Englishman exercised much self control as he sang a song to our beautiful daughter. My lil boys felt the loneliness of our quiet home. I mourned the loss of two children, not realizing that I would gain so much more. Por su puesto que Emery was right “Change can change you and that can be a good thing! Gracias a Dios for the many blessings that can come through changes. 

Out of The Pages of My Caregiving Diary

March 12th is a day to remember on the calendar for me. One of my dearest friends was born on this day, I am so grateful for her in my life. Y luego, my second grandchild was born on March 12, he also took a star position on that day. Hay mas! We also celebrate a special wedding day; Mr. & Mrs. Emmanuel Zepeda, happy anniversary Cita! Added to that beautiful day is the miracle God did for my granddaughter Rachel who was miraculously healed on that day from a dangerous hemangioma.

I had it all planned out to write something else with happy wishes on this post, and I did, pero, it didn’t feel right or good. In the midst of all those celebrations comes the cloud of loss. That day also brought loss for my apa. His second wife died on March 12. After his loss more change then confusion followed. As much as I do not want to go in that direction of mourning, I have remembered its sting.

Quizas la lluvia is adding to my mood, rain does that to me. My trip to Jalisco was beautiful, but also a stark reminder that of my apas 9 siblings, counting him, only 4 were with us still. Seeing my dad’s youngest sister at 79 years of age and his 93 year old little brother brought such sadness. Especialmente when he said “My brother was 96 years old when he left? Then I’ve only got 3 years left” She had commented “Ya nos estamos acabando” We are being finished off.

Looking through my journal I read about my caregiving days with my apa. It is with different eyes that I read those pages. I think I feel some guilt for feeling all that I felt. 

This page in my journal, dated October 26, 2019, arrested me as I remembered the turmoil of that season..

My Journal Page

10.26.19 Sat. Night

Maggie’s (this was one of his other caregivers) gone and I’m back on duty 😶 Lord I don’t know how to articulate what I’m feeling. Isn’t taking care of someone supposed to be to make them better? But instead, taking care of dad is about watching him grow weaker.

God I know talking to you should be enough. 

God these doctors seem to think or be leading me to accepting Dads death. Is this supposed to happen? God help me please. I feel so helpless. Dads weaker, Dads tired, dads lonely, I’m not making his life  better or mine. What did I expect by bringing dad here? (ves, in our attempts to help him and us, we had started to bring him to our home every month for two weeks, then back to his home. This only brought anxiety and confusion to him. When he was permanently in our home he knew it wasn’t his house, everyday that we helped him dress, he expected that it was the day he was going home)  

In my mind I thought maybe that he would find peace. I expected that salvation (ves I was praying for him to repent of his sin and ask Jesus to be Lord of his life) was gonna have him rejoice and be glad.

He’s not well, he’s not happy

I’m tired, maybe that’s what all this emotion is about?

God I wouldn’t want my kids taking care of me like this, my poor dad, so humiliating. What is the right thing?

The man he was is gone, maybe in a certain way that’s good?

I’m tired of having strangers in my home

I’m tired of feeling achy

I’m tired

God I feel such anxiety.

En Conclusion:

That was rough. The journaling did help and it helped now, but  so did talking with my sister. Lately I have been feeling a lot of emotion since I went to visit my apa’s siblings and his pueblo. It’s been a roller coaster, feeling high on the privilege that I was able to go to Jalisco, see the deserted little town of El Amparo. Y de repente, crashing down into loss, as I see his siblings also very old and frail. I realize again that mourning has no time table. For the most part the pain of loss does lessen with time, but triggers go off when you least expect it. Al fin de cuentas, I am glad me and my sis were with my apa when he needed us most. I am also glad to celebrate grandchildren, birthdays and wedding days with miracles. Thank you Jesus that you are always with us.