All through the day I’ve been scrambling through my mind and through my files to find a fun writing prompt or a happy one at least. It’s still raining in San Diego and so my heart is dreary and my mind is blocked.
Pero mira, I found this thought I wrote last year. The year I was born again, the day, the hour, the place, all of it is still vivid. I’m glad I saw this because it reminded me of how patiently Jesus pursued me in winter, spring and summer that year of 1984. With all the heavy clouds I needed this reminder of his patient love.
“37 years ago my day began in the wee hours of the morning with a bubbly joyful laughter that woke my sister Patty up from her sleep. She shook me from that dream and when she asked what I was dreaming and why I was laughing, I said “Idk , but it has to do with your church.” When I got up for the day I knew something was up. And all day I watched for something, afraid of the unknown, and that evening (I had timidly gone to a church concert with my sister Patty) at the altar, Jesus Christ the author of my life met me and changed me (my heart and mind) forever. I was born-again.”
Como me acuerdo de esos días. Oh the turmoil of those days, the dissatisfaction I felt, the indignation of being told that I was a sinner. My empty heart pushed out Jesus, I already had religion. Mostly I remember the fear. I was afraid. “Changing” religions wasn’t something to mess with, what if God wasn’t provoking all this restlessness in my spirit? Was it possible that Jesus was calling me out of my religious habits and into a personal and intimate relationship with him? Did one individual matter so much? Jesus, the Savior of all the earth was seeking me? An awkward 18 year old girl. Why? Why wasn’t I ok in my religion? I questioned, I faltered, too afraid to offend and disappoint anyone, especially my apa and ama. What if? What if? As I write this I am thinking of the character Much-Afraid in the allegory book Hinds Feet on High Places. I was so “much afraid” to believe and accept the message of the gospel.
To be honest, I don’t even remember the dream; the series of thoughts, images and sensations happening while I slept, except for the joyful laughter. Unspeakable joy that woke me up that morning and set my life onto a new path. I’m thankful that God did that for me, I was having a hard time doing what he wanted me to do. While I slept, all the questions, investigations and prayers I had challengingly put out to God came together and cleared the way for me. Me siento muy feliz, porque Dios esta conmigo siempre, y! I know that Jesus loves me so.